posted 20 Nov 2011 22:25 by Suzi Wallis
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updated 4 Feb 2012 20:49
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From both my experience working with couples, and my personal experience, I believe there are five non-negotiables for a good relationship:
- Love
- Trust
- Respect
- Friendship
- Kindness
- ?
If you don't have the first five, your relationship will have challenges that can sometimes make it feel like really hard work. You could be 'settling' for less than you deserve if these qualities don't exist between you and your partner.
- Love: This one may seem obvious, but I'm talking about the love that develops after the initial attraction phase. When the lust dies down and you are left liking both the person and their qualities, deep love can develop. You aren't constantly swept off your feet or obsessing about your partner; you feel hopeful and happy about the time you spend together (and the planning you make as a couple).
- Trust: Trust is essential in building a strong foundation - trust in yourself to make valid choices that support the relationship, and trust that your partner will do the same. In order to have trust, you need to understand each other's boundaries clearly. Don't assume you will automatically know what these are - if you discuss them, you'll have a much better understanding of each other.
- Respect: Respect can be modelled in many ways. One way that it shows between couples in a strong relationship is listening to each other's opinion even if they disagree, and giving feedback in a respectful way (if it's helpful and requested). Respect can also be shown by the way you talk about your partner when they're not listening...to others, publicly, on forums like Facebook - respect and disrespect can both be easily identified. Respecting each other's differences is a key factor to strong relationships of all kinds.
- Friendship: This is about genuinely liking the person you are intimately involved with, wanting to spend time with them, having a laugh together, hanging out and feeling safe in each other's company. If your partner is truly your best friend, and you can count on them for anything, you're very blessed.
- Kindness: Sometimes we are kinder to strangers than we are to the person we have promised ourselves to. Everyday kindness will be so appreciated, even unconsciously, by the person you spend your life with. This also applies to thanking your partner for their kindness - even if they cook dinner five nights a week or mow the lawns every week without fail, thanking them will help them to feel appreciated.
- The sixth quality that I believe takes a good relationship into the realm of exceptional is acceptance. Not only is acceptance a vital part of the grief process, enabling you to move in a forward direction, it is also a quality that can help to make your relationship unshakeable. That may sound like an exaggeration, yet the people I know who have this, have relationships that look as solid as it's possible to get. Acceptance is truly being ok with your partner's values, their way of seeing the world, their way of making choices you wouldn't make, their questioning of you - the list goes on.
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posted 17 Nov 2011 13:13 by Suzi Wallis
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updated 4 Feb 2012 20:48
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What is it that makes your relationship with
your partner different from just a friend or flatmate? Apart from (hopefully)
trust, friendship, love, respect and kindness, the way you touch each other
displays an intimacy that you may not share with other people in your life (at
least not to the same extent). Sometimes you can see a couple who are
comfortable together by the way they interact physically – a touch there, a
quick hug or kiss as they pass each other in a social setting. Non-sexual touch
(the kind that isn’t necessarily going to lead to lovemaking) can keep a couple
feeling connected during their everyday lives.
Rather
than getting ‘out of the way’ when you pass in the hall or kitchen, how about
getting ‘in the way’ intentionally? It’s a great opportunity for a re-connect,
flirt and can send a message that says ‘I’m glad I chose you.’ If you are
watching tv together, sitting on the same couch, with legs draped over each
other is far more intimate than separate chairs. If one is preparing dinner,
having the other hanging out in the kitchen, passing items backwards and
forwards will create a feeling of connectedness. There are plenty of
opportunities for getting into the same physical space if you allow your mind
to contemplate them.
The
quality of hugs and kisses, especially during greetings and farewells can make
the difference in your partner’s day. When you kiss your partner hello or
goodbye, is it on the lips or cheek? Which one feels more intimate? Do you look
in their eyes when you greet them or farewell them? When you hug your partner,
do you ensure that you are connected from knees to chest? When you come home,
do you greet the children or pets before your partner? Why? What is this modelling
for your children and what message does this send to your partner about their
importance to you? It’s perfectly ok to ask your children to wait and say you
want to greet your partner (whether it be their Mum or Dad or someone else) first.
I
hope you are able to find opportunities to solidify the foundation of your
relationship through what you’ve read here.
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posted 17 Oct 2011 20:45 by Suzi Wallis
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updated 4 Feb 2012 20:49
]
Until they know better, that is. You think you're speaking the same language but are you? You've grown up in the same country or at least speaking a language in common with most other people you interact with. For some reason, this doesn't guarantee clear communication and a conflict-free life. There are some common reasons for this - the absence of active listening, respectful language, enabling the other person to feel 'heard' and using language that 'pushes buttons'.
- Ask yourself if the topic you want to discuss is important enough to bring up with the other person. For example, if you are giving them feedback, is it really necessary? If you can let it go and remember all their good points, that may be the best option. If it is something that's creating conflict and does need to be cleared, forge ahead with care.
- It's dangerous to assume that the person you are wanting to communicate with has the time right then and is in a headspace where they can listen. It's respectful to ask (and listen for the answer) whether the person has time now or later and give them an indication of how long you might need. Making an appointment lets them know you respect their time and yours. This applies to family and friends too, although you'd be less likely to get the diaries (or smartphones out) to compare.
- Your tone, volume and posture can dramatically affect your listener's ability to hear what you're saying. Keep your voice at the lowest appropriate volume for the space you are in (you can always raise it if the person can't hear but they won't always tell you you're shouting). Use a balanced, gentle tone, even if the message you want to deliver is serious. Sit down or match the person physically - stand if they're standing, sit if they're sitting and try not to have a physical barrier between you like a desk or table if at all possible.
- Give your listener the benefit of the doubt. Assumptions can get you into a whole lot of trouble (ever seen assume broken down into ass/u/me?) and the one that is useful to hold is "this person is doing their best, as am I." If they don't understand you, or you are not noticing non-verbal cues (head nodding, yeses, etc), you might need to rephrase what you're saying.
- Any words that come after "you" can sound like a judgement or criticism. Words that are helpful to come after "you" are descriptions of behaviour. Describe the behaviour as if the person you are talking to wasn't in the room. For example, "When you raised your voice", "When you talked over me", "When you swore at me".
- Be curious. Instead of assuming that you know what the other person is feeling or thinking, use phrases like "It seems like...", "It looks like...", "I'm guessing you might be..."
- Take two (or three or four) attempts. If you don't get it right the first time (your message isn't clearly heard), ask for another chance. If you've dropped a verbal "bombshell', leaving the room then could do more harm than good. An attempt (if the listener is willing) to try again, may build some bridges. It's also important to respect the other person's right to be left alone if this is what they need.
- Kindness can't be overdone. If you are genuine about your kind gestures - a hug, handshake, pat on the back or offer of help - it's impossible to be "too kind". Be nice - it's good for the soul.
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